By entering into your parental home on a permanent or semi-permanent basis, you agree to be bound by the following terms and conditions. If you break these terms and conditions, you may be shunned, talked about (behind your back) and have circled house-share adverts left on your bed.
1. Bathroom usage. You hereby agree to spend no more than 20 minutes in the family bathroom during peak bathroom hours.
1a. Peak bathroom hours shall be subject to change without prior notice, according to the social calendar of the senior female householder (your mother).
2. The purchase of food. You agree to consume no more than your exact equal and fair share of all food and drinks purchased by the financial decision maker of the household. You also agree to make regular offers of payment to your parents for the consumption of food, despite knowing your offer shall be rejected.
3. Disposal of rubbish. You are solely responsible for the disposal of rubbish. Your mother is not a slave and she does not pick up after you. This is not a hotel.
4. Overnight guests. You shall, no later than five working days after arriving at your parental home, establish with senior householders a mutually agreeable protocol on the hosting of overnight guests. You agree that this protocol shall be subject to change and based entirely on your mother's opinion of the proposed overnight guest. Your mother's decision is final and she will not enter into any negotiation.
5. Lie-ins. Permission to enjoy a lie-in shall be granted at the sole discretion of either senior householder. Senior householders reserve the right to interrupt any planned lie-ins should they require assistance with computer equipment, access to the loft or an "extra pair of hands" for "essential" DIY which absolutely under no circumstances can wait until a reasonable hour.
6. Laundry. You will do your own laundry. See clause 3 for further details.
7. Privacy (yours). You hereby irrevocably grant your parents permission to inspect your sleeping quarters on a periodical basis to search for missing tea cups and/or cereal bowls.
8. Privacy (your parents'). You will not enter your parents' sleeping quarters for any reason.
9. Music. Your father will provide a pre-approved list of artists and performers for you to enjoy at a sociable volume around the home.
9b. You may listen to non-approved artists and performers through headphones only. Failure to comply with part b of clause 9 entitles both senior householders to invoke the "nothing but Supertramp embargo". This may result in your father using terms including, but not limited to, "that racket", "it's just noise" and "can't hear a word he's even saying".
10. Disputes. All disputes shall be resolved in favour of your parents for the entire duration of your stay, otherwise referred to as "while you're under my roof" or "while I pay the bills sunshine".
The small print: Obviously these are not real or legally-binding terms. It's not our house and we don't make the rules. That's for your parents to do.
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